(Note to Faithful Mustang Daily reader: We at the Mustang Daily offices recently unearthed this article about the Two “Classy” Gents, The Honorable Douglas B. Bruzzone and Michael Matzke, MD. Consequently, we are reviewing their qualifications as columnists.)
-The Associated Press, March 4, 2003
A mysterious report which came out Tuesday claims that the two classy gentlemen, as self-described, galavanting around the streets of San Luis Obispo are “not classy,” and on the brink of “uncouth,” according to unnamed sources.
The two gentlemen in question, one a doctor, the other a judge, parade around Garden St. in monocles and tophats. However, these unnamed sources claim that the tophats are fashioned out of old oatmeal boxes and the monocles are, in fact, used prophylactics. City Council member Patrick Monohan is not pleased with the situation.
“Vile and disgusting,” Monohan said during a press briefing. “I’ve introduced legislation to legalize lynching, lynch Mike Matzke and Doug Bruzzone, and ban lynching again.” When asked about the social ramification of lynching, Monohan responded, “Shut up, and get out of my front yard.”
During the spring of 1997, the City of San Luis Obispo attempted to renovate the downtown area by implementing “gentlemans of leisure and class” on several city blocks, as well as making thirteen-year-old-girls “hang out” near Downtown Cinemas. However, since the hiring of Mr. Matzke and Mr. Bruzzone, the pair has been nothing but trouble for the city.
One mother claims that the two offered free face painting during Farmer’s Market in 2002, but instead attempted to give children “freaky-ass Mike Tyson face tattoos.”
Additionally, the two gents have been sighted streaking through the Banana Republic, claiming that it is supposedly a “Republic of Bananas and other tropical fruits, like coconuts.” When asked to elaborate, they said “We’re talking about our genitalia.”
According to sources, the two classy gentlemen have claimed to have received Associate’s Degrees in Classiness from ITT Tech. However, upon closer inspection on the school’s website, it appears that ITT Tech does not offer Associate’s Degrees in Classiness, nor any legitimate degree at all. Sources were tipped off by the fact that these two men, one a doctor and the other a judge, would have taken the time and effort to receive degrees in Classiness.
The school had no record of the degrees, and in an informal interview, the “classy” gentlemen acknowledged the information about the degrees was “incorrect.”
Recently, the City Council has taken steps to replace Mr. Matzke and Mr. Bruzzone with local homeless people and gypsies. However, problems arose from their contractual agreement with the city, which extends for an additional two years.
Mr. Matzke and Mr. Bruzzone disregard their contractual agreements. In the future, they plan to write for a school newspaper, anger local celebrities who fight in octagon-shaped things, and promptly get fired after making racist, sexist, and homophobic remarks.
Classy: (censored)
Uncouth:(very censored, in fact, don’t even think about it, because you’ll become ill-tempered and repugnant)
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