Reasons Why David Blaine Does Things

Last week, “magician” David Blaine performed a stunt that required him to stay in an aquarium for over a week and end with an attempt to hold his breath longer than any other human in history. Bravo, David. Now, let’s see some actual magic. We want to see you pull a rabbit out of your hat, or saw a hooker in half, or impregnate someone in a hot tub while sitting five feet away.

Since we’re so confused about why you do anything, ever, we’re going to provide some valid reasons for staying in an aquarium for a week, just in case it gets brought up in a future conversation.

Avoiding Child Support. This isn’t necessarily your first option, David. We agree; children suck and aren’t very smart. Why should you use your hard-earned magician dollars to support some kid who wants to “eat” or “use clothing on a daily basis”? Spoiled brats.

An Attempt To Be Magical. Maybe you were going to do something magical and you just forgot. Remember, the definition of magic is to trick people, and you did, in fact, trick people by claiming to be a magician.

An Attempt To Answer Scientific Questions. Can humans become raisins? How small can a man’s penis get when submerged in aquarium water for over a week?

A Drunk Dare Gone Awry. People tend to do stupid things when drunk, like passing out in the neighbor’s living room, mistaking a tranny for a woman, or parting the Red Sea. This is just another one of those situations: having to live in an aquarium for a week.

You Really Like The Movie Waterworld. We also thought that dirt would be legitimate currency in the future. Or maybe it was Dennis Hopper’s amazing acting skills, or that scene where Kevin Costner drank his own urine. These are all legitimate reasons to live in an aquarium for a week.

You Didn’t Want To See Bonds Hit No. 715. Joke’s on you!

You Ate a Burrito, And, Well. . . Chemistry takes over at a certain point in the digestive system when beans are involved. Simply say “It wasn’t me,” then go live in an aquarium for a week.

You Heard Some Guy Say “If You Live In An Aquarium For A Week, You Become President”. If we heard a guy say that, we’d probably live in an aquarium for a week too.

It Could Get You Chicks. We’re not sure how, but that’s usually a good reason to do something stupid. Quote from a dumb girl watching you: “I heard things get bigger in water, so I bet his penis isn’t small, but really, really big.”

All right David Blaine, you’ve inspired us to become pretend magicians as well. We’ll be performing the following death-defying stunts in the near future: “Threatening the President of the School,” “Using Keyboard Shortcuts on Microsoft Word,” and “Checking Out a Chick’s Ass.”

Classy: Read “The Da Vinci Code,” or go see the movie of “The Da Vinci Code,” or go on a “Da Vinci Code” tour, or watch the Discovery Channel special on “The Da Vinci Code,” and also the History Channel special with the same name, or burn money.

Uncouth: Drinking your own pee. We’ve heard of golden showers before, but a golden mouthwash? Ridiculous.