This is The Worst Opinion Column of All Time, originally published October 17, 2005
Rumor Patrol: Is Cal Poly Really Moving To Oakland? originally published October 24, 2005
Top 5 Classy Places To Make Love At Cal Poly, originally published October 31, 2005
We Gave President Baker That Raise, originally published November 7, 2005
Scientology=Awesometology, originally published November 14, 2005
Goth People: Get Over It, originally published November 21, 2005
A Lengthy And Thorough Symposium In Regards To The Recent Discussions Of The San Luis Obispo System Of Public Transit, originally published November 28, 2005
We're Calling Out You, UFC Champion, originally published January 13, 2006
Musty The Mustang: An Expose, originally published January 20, 2006
Rumor Patrol: Was That Pete Sampras On Campus? originally published January 27, 2006
Hometown Buffet: Why Are You So Good? originally published February 3, 2006
We Felt Awkward At Campus Crusade, originally published February 10, 2006
President Baker: Please Return Our Pimp Goblet, originally published February 24, 2006
Learn By Doing (Cocaine), originally published March 3, 2006
Report: Gents Fake Classiness, originally published March 10, 2006
Bring Back Jack Ingram, originally published April 7, 2006
Wait, OJ Killed Someone? originally published April 14, 2006
Box Office Blockbusters: Da Vinci Code vs Snakes On A Plane, originally published April 21, 2006
Arbor Day Is For Pinkos, originally published April 28, 2006
Rumor Patrol: We had Sex With Nicky Hilton, originally published May 5, 2006
We Parked In The ASI President's Parking Spot, originally published May 12, 2006
Reasons Why David Blaine Does Things, originally published May 19, 2006
A Cry For Help, originally published May 26, 2006
Letters To The Two Classy Gents, originally published June 2, 2006
Friday, January 18, 2008
Letters To The Two Classy Gents
Well, faithful Mustang Daily reader, our glorious run has come to an end. We’ve had a lot of laughs, but more importantly, we’ve all learned something. For one thing, calling out the UFC champion? Bad idea. But we don’t take it back.
With that said, we’ve received a lot of letters from you, despite never giving you any way to contact us. We promise that our answers will be truthful and much better than the answers you get from John Edwards.
My wife and I were wondering, Is there really a Porn Room in the library, like you guys said in “Top 5 Classy Places To Make Love At Cal Poly”? We’ve looked all over for it, and the librarians think we’re nuts! Todd and Mary Stevenson, Portland, Maine
Good question, Todd and Mary. We thought our hints were explicit enough, but if you need a little more help, there is a map hidden within the Dan Brown Leatherbound Selection area on the fourth floor of the library. Good luck!
What’s the deal with your obsession with Warren Baker? It’s weird. Warren Baker, Atascadero, California
It’s threefold, Warren. First, we got him a raise, and he didn’t do anything to thank us. Second, he stole our pimp goblet. Third, he started the trucker hat phenomenon, and we resent him for that.
What’s the secret to making a great Chef’s Salad? Jennifer Weathers-Crudup, Phoenix, Arizona
It’s simple. Lots of ham.
There’s a lot of theories being thrown around, but who do you guys really think will win the Stanley Cup? Tell me it’s not the Ducks. Roy Lunch, Alberta, Canada
Well Roy, the season sure has been turbulent, but the NHL has really bounced back. After the Sharks blew that 2-0 lead against the Oilers, anything can happen. Carolina’s surprised a lot of people, and Buffalo’s goaltending is dominating, but if you want to know our pick, the smart money’s on the Clippers.
I’ve heard a lot of people talk about how funny and good-looking you are. I just wanted to say that. Bob van Helsing, Topeka, Kansas
Wow, that’s really nice. Thank you.
Are you guys really classy? When you got bribed by Hometown Buffet, I thought that was really uncouth. Tupac Smith, Madison, Wisconsin
Look, punk, when you get a degree in Classiness from ITT Tech, and you put your accreditation on the wall, you can talk to us about what is classy and what isn’t classy. And FYI: You’re not classy.
Are you guys really dead? Jeffrey Davies, West Lansing, Michigan.
Yes. And so is Paul.
I just want to hear you guys talk about anything. At random. Stephanie Winthrop, Oakland, California
We’re glad you asked that, Stephanie. We’ve been waiting to pick something to talk about. All these letters are pretty stupid, and we’ve been waiting for a badass letter this whole time.
By far, our favorite movie is “Three Men and a Baby.” However, we have a problem with Ted Danson. We believe he shouldn’t exist. Therefore, we are putting in a request to enhance the movie by digitally replacing Ted Danson with Steve Buscemi. Clearly, the Selleck-Guttenberg-Buscemi trio would blow people’s minds out of their f*cking heads.
To end things off, we’ll leave you with a quote from us.
“2 Kewl 2 Be 4gotten.”
-TCG
Classy: Us.
Uncouth: The three sworn enemies of the Two Classy Gents, in no particular order: Wayne Gretzky, Warren Baker, and The Monopoly Man.
A Cry For Help
Dear Faithful Mustang Daily Reader,
You wouldn’t believe everything that’s happened to us lately. We haven’t spoken in oh, so long, and we feel like we’ve lost touch with each other. The drunken text messages went a little overboard (NO, YOU GO F*CK YOURSELF!), but hey, that’s what love is all about.
Just catching you up on things: Doug got a haircut. But that was a couple months ago, and his hair has grown back since. He thought about donating all his hair to a cancer organization, but he was a bastard and hoarded it all. Mike thought about becoming an astronaut. I know-crazy, huh? But he decided not to ‘cause he just loves earth food, and he thinks astronaut ice cream tastes like sh*t. And the weather! You wouldn’t believe how God has blessed us with this beautiful sunshine. You know what it feels like? It feels like that first Lord of the Rings movie, right at the beginning when everyone was happy in the Shire. Oh, and we’re probably gonna commit suicide.
We know, it’s our first time. It felt a little awkward bringing it up, but you know, that’s how life goes (or ends!).
Hopefully, this isn’t a bad time for you. Finals week is coming up in two weeks, and you don’t want to start your summer off on a bad note. But we promise the suicide won’t be bloody. In fact, we’ve already gone to Sears and purchased some fantastic “I’m F*cking Dead” cards to send out to everyone, and you guessed it, they’re embossed.
But what about you? How have you been doing? Reading the paper, I see? Well, you better watch out for today’s sudoku, because it’s a real doozy!
If you’re wondering about our final column next week, well, we’ll be dead, so we hope you enjoy it! In order to maintain our status as professionals, we have already written, edited, and final drafted the entire column. It might not be as topical as we’d liked, as we will have been dead for almost a week.
Oh, and if it isn’t too much to ask, we need you to run a couple errands for us. First, we need our lawn watered really bad. It is quite brown. Secondly, please leave nice comments on our Facebook profiles after we “pass on.” The last thing, and we know it’s kind of a lot to ask for, but if you could punch Wayne Gretzky in the balls, that’d be great. He knows why.
By the way, we are terminally ill with Lou Gehrig’s Disease and it is extroadinarily painful. That is pretty much the major reason for us committing suicide. Don’t think we’re goth or anything.
Thanks,
TCG
Classy: If you could just punch Gretzky again in the balls, that’d be great.
Uncouth: Jack Ingram committing suicide. Don’t do it Jack, there’s still something to live for!
Reasons Why David Blaine Does Things
Last week, “magician” David Blaine performed a stunt that required him to stay in an aquarium for over a week and end with an attempt to hold his breath longer than any other human in history. Bravo, David. Now, let’s see some actual magic. We want to see you pull a rabbit out of your hat, or saw a hooker in half, or impregnate someone in a hot tub while sitting five feet away.
Since we’re so confused about why you do anything, ever, we’re going to provide some valid reasons for staying in an aquarium for a week, just in case it gets brought up in a future conversation.
Avoiding Child Support. This isn’t necessarily your first option, David. We agree; children suck and aren’t very smart. Why should you use your hard-earned magician dollars to support some kid who wants to “eat” or “use clothing on a daily basis”? Spoiled brats.
An Attempt To Be Magical. Maybe you were going to do something magical and you just forgot. Remember, the definition of magic is to trick people, and you did, in fact, trick people by claiming to be a magician.
An Attempt To Answer Scientific Questions. Can humans become raisins? How small can a man’s penis get when submerged in aquarium water for over a week?
A Drunk Dare Gone Awry. People tend to do stupid things when drunk, like passing out in the neighbor’s living room, mistaking a tranny for a woman, or parting the Red Sea. This is just another one of those situations: having to live in an aquarium for a week.
You Really Like The Movie Waterworld. We also thought that dirt would be legitimate currency in the future. Or maybe it was Dennis Hopper’s amazing acting skills, or that scene where Kevin Costner drank his own urine. These are all legitimate reasons to live in an aquarium for a week.
You Didn’t Want To See Bonds Hit No. 715. Joke’s on you!
You Ate a Burrito, And, Well. . . Chemistry takes over at a certain point in the digestive system when beans are involved. Simply say “It wasn’t me,” then go live in an aquarium for a week.
You Heard Some Guy Say “If You Live In An Aquarium For A Week, You Become President”. If we heard a guy say that, we’d probably live in an aquarium for a week too.
It Could Get You Chicks. We’re not sure how, but that’s usually a good reason to do something stupid. Quote from a dumb girl watching you: “I heard things get bigger in water, so I bet his penis isn’t small, but really, really big.”
All right David Blaine, you’ve inspired us to become pretend magicians as well. We’ll be performing the following death-defying stunts in the near future: “Threatening the President of the School,” “Using Keyboard Shortcuts on Microsoft Word,” and “Checking Out a Chick’s Ass.”
Classy: Read “The Da Vinci Code,” or go see the movie of “The Da Vinci Code,” or go on a “Da Vinci Code” tour, or watch the Discovery Channel special on “The Da Vinci Code,” and also the History Channel special with the same name, or burn money.
Uncouth: Drinking your own pee. We’ve heard of golden showers before, but a golden mouthwash? Ridiculous.
We parked in the ASI Presiden't Parking Spot
The Two Classy Gents had a rough week. First of all, someone gave us a fashion memo that said wearing Birkenstocks with socks apparently isn't cool, causing us to discard our entire wardrobe. Then we heard that burning Styrofoam depletes the ozone layer, so we had to put out our giant Styrofoam fire. Finally, we looked at the ASI ballot, and the Two Classy Gents were not listed. Something had to be done.
That something was parking in the ASI President's parking spot. Yes, we were a bit jealous of him getting a spot so prime that the Pope would've parked his Popemobile there. But it felt good too. It felt like we had total control over all of the school, and that we could put chocolate milk in the drinking fountains and have Pizza Day every Wednesday.
Maybe you're thinking that there are probably a lot of fines associated with such an action. But we'll tell you what: we got away with it, and we'd even do it again. However, we would not perform the act three times, because that's just pushing it. We also had to kill a guy and flee the country, but we got away.
You might ask yourself, faithful Mustang Daily reader, did they back up into the parking spot? Oh, perhaps they could have parallel parked. No, we did neither. We parked sideways, and partially in a handicapped spot. However, we spoke with the handicapped gentleman who was about to use the spot and he said it was okay to do, and he even admitted that it looked sort of cool.
We might have not moved our car for five minutes. Maybe ten minutes. Who knows? It could still be there as you're reading this article. But we don't care, no, we don't even vote for ASI President. The last time we voted for anything was Coke being better than Pepsi, and damnit, Pepsi won that battle. We also voted against brushing your teeth, but the dentists won that time too. But that's only because we're British.
We heard that Tylor was mad about the situation, but then we thought "Boy, that name sure is spelled weird." So overall, we didn't care.
So here's the deal. If you think you're badass like us, and you can handle the fuzz comin' down hard on you, then we'll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone. Promise? K. It's behind Building 45 and-
Wait, you told your friend? That's it, we're ending this column.
Classy: The Popemobile. It's protected from bullets, and you can squeeze a lot of hotties in there.
Uncouth: Stabbing People. Think about the Golden Rule: would you want to be stabbed? If so, you are weird.
Rumor Patrol: We Had Sex With Nicky Hilton
The Rumor Patrol would like to say one thing: this is definitely not a rumor. The Rumor Patrol definitely had sex with Nicky Hilton. We were there; we saw it. Well, we saw most of it. It was dark and we were occasionally blindfolded. It wasn’t so much that we really wanted to have sex with Nicky Hilton, but we just needed to prove a point. A meaty point!
We want to get things straight with you, faithful Mustang Daily reader. You may not be aware of this, but an important part of being classy involves being sensitive enough to cry at wussy chick movies. The Two Classy Gents are two of the most sensitive guys out there, along with Dashboard Confessional (we don’t care to know his name) and the Bounty Man. Why do you think his paper towels are so absorbent?
We also can’t stand the world being full of lonely people, and we wanted to do something to help the community out. So when we saw the tremendously rich hotel heiress Nicky Hilton looking down, with no regard for ourselves, we went over to console her.
But also, we needed cash, and fast. The problem with being so sensitive is that it has a direct link to the amount we pay in child support every month, so we decided to make a withdrawal and a deposit at the same time. We knew that the Hiltons were loaded, and not just in venereal disease.
Nicky Hilton sure needed a good dose of Manlove, and the only way the we could perform this procedure was with fireman hats. You might be asking yourself, how did the Two Classy Gents make their way into a room at the Hilton? Well, it went something like this:
TCG: Heeeyyyyyy.
Nicky Hilton: What?
TCG: Don’t be coy.
Nicky Hilton: I’m not coy. I’m dumb.
TCG: Hey, do you have a microwave we can stick these Hot Pockets in?
Nicky Hilton: Mmm, I love meat.
Luckily, there wasn’t much conversation to be had the rest of the night.
Did you say you wanted juicy, sordid details about our hot sex romp? Well, this is a family newspaper, pervert, and there’s probably some innocent freshman who’s never even gotten a blumpkin before. We’re also gentlemen, and although there wasn’t much kissing, we don’t kiss and tell.
In conclusion, the whole experience was about a C+.
Classy: Performing the following maneuvers: The Hot Lunch, The Cold Lunch, The William “The Refrigerator” Perry, The Cleveland Steamer, The Boston Steamer, The Hunter Gatherer, and finally, The Bullwinkle. FYI: these are all different types of yoga stretches, and they are great for the body. Just don’t Google them.
Arbor Day Is For Pinkos
Have you noticed that the pungent stench of nature is a little stronger today than it was yesterday? That’s because today is Arbor Day, a filthy holiday celebrated by filthy people. Traditionally, an Arbor Day celebration consists of planting a tree in any location, or for art majors, planting some magic in the ground (that’s a bud seed for you squares). But wait, faithful Mustang Daily reader, don’t let radical left-wing fringe groups like Greenpeace, the Dallas Cowboys, or China (the country) tell you what to plant, because all they’re doing is growing the ideals of communism in your Freedom Brain.
Karl Marx once said, “The only thing better than sitting under a giant oak tree is reading my book, The Communist Manifesto, now available at Crown Books everywhere.” He later went on to explain the ideals of communism, illustrated by his use of the “Red” wood. “The trunk of the all-powerful Red wood represents the governmental structure, and the thousands of leaves upon the branches of economic equality represent the glorious proletariat.”We’ll tell you what, the Two Classy Gents are sick of all this pinko talk, and we’re gonna let freedom ring by the roar of the chainsaw.
Trees affect society on a daily basis, seen most notably in urban locales like San Francisco and New York. Thousands of homeless people beg for change, scare you from bushes, and smell bad, bringing the potential of an effulgent human civilization down to the filthy grounds they sleep on. These cities which feature large parks breed homeless people, literally. It’s been proven by science: trees are in parks, and parks have homeless people in them. Our suggestion: cut down every tree you see and use the wood to build some badass nunchucks to beat up hippies.
Our major problems with trees are not only hobo-related. Trees are the laziest life form on the earth, and photosynthesis is not an excuse. If you want to see trees in action, simply watch the second installment of the Lord of the Rings trilogy. In this film, trees can be seen kicking ass and taking names, and shortly thereafter puffing on some peace pipes. These trees are badass, and Mother Nature should take note.
Trees are only useful when they’re dead. Fifteen hundred trees are chopped down daily to create the Mustang Daily. For our article alone, 2.7 rainforests have been eliminated in Guatemala to create a synthesis of slightly witty puns (see pp. 2 sent. 2) and random pop-culture references. Also, log cabins are pretty badass and usually, pretty badass people live in them.
We’re sick of hippies, gypsies, and wusses alike complaining about things in general. We think things are going pretty badass, and the only way they’re gonna get cooler is by cutting down some trees. If Marx illustrated the usefulness of communism through trees, and communism has failed miserably, then we can say, with the aid of science, that trees will lead to our demise.
Earth Day, you’re next.
Classy: Calling things badass, but only if you’re a badass.
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